Thursday, January 29, 2015

“Plunging vertically, lightly clinking / It won’t attract anyone’s attention”

Congratulations to Apple! The company just posted the biggest quarterly profit—$18 billion—in world history.

To commemorate the achievement, here's a poem written by former Foxconn factory worker Xu Lizhi, published in the Foxconn employee newspaper.

A screw fell to the ground
In this dark night of overtime
Plunging vertically, lightly clinking
It won’t attract anyone’s attention
Just like last time
On a night like this
When someone plunged to the ground

He's a former employee because he, like many of his fellow Foxconn employees, killed himself last year after working under Foxconn's harsh and sometimes inhumane labor conditions in Shenzhen. He was 24.

While we're at it, we can also reread the New York Times's blockbuster 2012 story about Foxconn and the Apple supply chain that we all swore would make us give a shit, but then Apple came out with candy-colored iPhones the next year and we all totally wanted one. (Mine's yellow!)

It's cool, though, because that one dude who was on This American Life turned out to be a liar, which was just the perfect opportunity to stop caring.

So again—congrats, Apple!

Posted via the Blogger iOS app

Yes, Apple is far from the only company that uses Foxconn. But now that Apple is, for the moment, officially the most profitable company on the planet, it highlights how much could be done but isn't, and how few people genuinely care. (And since caring should only be measured by one's actions rather than feelings, I'm ashamed to say that I easily fall into the "don't care" camp.) And for all the talk about how Apple's $18 billion was built on good old-fashioned American innovation and gumption, it's worth remembering that it was also built on the despair and misery and sometimes deaths of Chinese laborers with few—or no—other options.

And while blame can be parceled out to Foxconn for perpetrating labor abuses and the Chinese government for turning a blind eye to such abuses, Apple and its customers deserve much of it, too. There's almost no demand for a bloodless iPhone, especially if it means paying more for it. And again, virtually every smartphone and tablet seller uses Foxconn or a Foxconn-esque supplier, but $18 billion means that Apple is in a uniquely powerful position to do something about it if they really wanted to. Or, as a former Apple executive put it in that New York Times article:
“We’ve known about labor abuses in some factories for four years, and they’re still going on,” said one former Apple executive who, like others, spoke on the condition of anonymity because of confidentiality agreements. “Why? Because the system works for us. Suppliers would change everything tomorrow if Apple told them they didn’t have another choice.”

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

It’s not the meat in your feet, but the pep in each step

I went to the mall today to exchange some shoes, and I had this conversation with a cute salesperson.

“How can I help you?”

“I bought these shoes from the website, but I think they’re one size too big. I was wondering if I could exchange them for smaller ones.”

“Sure, no problem.”

“I’m not going to lie—it’s kind of emasculating having to go one size smaller.”

She giggles and looks at the shoes. “Okay, I’ll go ahead and look for an eight-and-a-half.”

“Umm. Better just get an eight.”

Oh,” she says, with a smartass smile.

“I swear I’m usually a nine.”

“And I swear I believe you.”

Not that it matters, but for the record, I really am usually a nine… ladies.

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

This McDonald’s coupon is so profoundly sad, it makes me want to cry

This McDonald’s coupon—and all that it implies—is so profoundly sad, it makes me want to cry.

"Valid February 14th only" "BURGER LOVERS" "49¢ Hamburgers & 69¢ Cheeseburgers" "Valid February 14th only" "Limit 10 per customer." "Must have coupon for redemption."

Notice that McDonald’s doesn’t even bother to use the phrase “Valentine’s Day.” It’s like McDonald’s is just saying, “You know the drill, lardass.”

And the worst part is, they cap the deal at ten hamburgers. Listen, if somebody is spending a part of their Valentine’s Day at a McDonald’s and they feel like eating more than ten hamburgers, it’s obvious it’s been a really shitty day. Just give them the fucking burgers, McDonald’s.

Anyway, this is the awkward part in which I mention the reason that I have the coupon so neatly torn out is because as soon as I saw it, I put it in my wallet because I’m about 99 percent sure I’ll be making use of it on Feb. 14. Yes, on Valentine’s Day, I will be lovin’ it because, sadly, no one’s lovin’ me. Okay, now I really am going to cry.

This Forever 21 model really hates his Cloud-Sleeve Bomber Jacket

While I’m still on the “make fun of teen clothing retailers” beat: this guy really does not look happy about modeling Forever 21’s “Cloud-Sleeve Bomber Jacket” (I’ve archived the page here, in case cumulonimbus coats become a thing and Forever 21 sells out of them):

I know that models usually shoot for an aloof, mildly disdainful look because stupid people find cold indifference alluring1, but this goes way beyond that. You can see the resignation in his eyes when he realizes that, oh God, people are going to see me with cloud arms and there’s nothing I can do about it.

From another angle, you can see strife all over his face as he reassesses the entirety of his life decisions.

And finally, you see him wondering if it’s too late for him to finish up his HVAC certificate.

(It’s not, and it’s important, honest work.)

Although I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want a cloud jacket now. If anybody wants to make that happen, my email address is But no pressure.

1Needless to say, I am a stupid person who needs to get better taste in girls2.
2Not like that. You’re gross, dude.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Siri is just being a smartass, isn’t she?

"What were the electoral college results of the 2004 presidential election" "Sorry, Joe, my knowledge of sports history is limited."

Chili's and Applebee's prix fixe menus

I think that it's a bummer that when Chili's was planning its "$20 Dinner for 2" deal and Applebee's was doing the same with its "2 for $20 Menu," someone must have suggested calling it a prix fixe menu, and somebody else in marketing was probably all, "Nah, Americans will think that's too foreign."

C'mon, guys. We may be shoving Chocolate Peanut Butter Molten Cakes down our throats, but give us a little credit here.

Wish I Was Here and Up in the Air, reviewed with sticky notes

When I return books and DVDs to the library, I sometimes stick little notes inside them for the next patron to read.

In today's edition, I did not enjoy Zach Braff's most recent film, and I continue to publicly air my increasingly pathetic celebrity crush on Anna Kendrick, who is wonderful and talented and lovely.

I loved Garden State. I still unabashedly do, in fact. And while it's far from a perfect film, I think a lot of the vitriol hurled at it is exaggerated, want-to-be-one-of-the-cool-kids groupthink. Hell, I even sorta-kinda liked the off-brand, Shasta Cola version of it, Elizabethtown. So, I think I have some credibility when I say that Wish I Was Here is a cloying, self-indulgent waste of time that doesn't have the decency to be not boring. This rental is overpriced, and I say that knowing that you're in a library and it's free. Also, Zach Braff's utter disrespect of the subjunctive mood pisses me off slightly.

If you don't fall in love with Anna Kendrick after watching this, YOU HAVE NO SOUL.
Or possibly, you have a soul, but it sucks.
Seriously, she's lovely.

Aéropostale’s ridiculous product descriptions make me feel old like whoa

Shopping at any teen-oriented mall clothing retailer is usually enough to make me feel impossibly old—music that’s unfamiliar and therefore annoying, pictures of models who aren’t old enough to buy beer in Canada, and fellow shoppers who are trying to gauge whether I’m a creepy dude trolling for barely-18s or if I’m a vaguely out-of-touch uncle searching for a nephew’s birthday gift who still thinks Hollister is totes rad. (Joke’s on you, kids—the correct answer is “I am in ‘overwrought quarter-life crisis’ mode and am dealing with being closer to 30 than 20 by dressing like a 16-year-old in 2005.”)

But there’s no retail experience that makes me more acutely aware of my senescence than shopping on Aéropostale’s website. Aéropostale is definitely not for me—they’re “principally targeting 14 to 17-year-old young women and men”—and they make that clear with some amazing product descriptions for each and every one of the products they sell.

As far as I can tell, Aéropostale is headquartered in the town of Riverdale, and everybody’s biggest concerns are running “a smooth campaign for class prez” or making “that first impression count when meeting your GF’s dad.” (Incidentally, Aéropostale’s Long Sleeve Textured Woven Shirt and Multi-stripe Crew Neck Sweater, respectively, can help with each.) Indeed, the product descriptions are simultaneously ridiculous and weirdly poignant—at least for me, each of my eye rolls are accompanied by a pang of nostalgia for the days when my biggest worries were minor enough to be solved with the purchase of affordably-priced apparel.

In any case, let’s marvel at some of these product descriptions that somebody was inexplicably given actual, spendable money to write.

Description: When that girl from first period gets flirty and a sweetie from second shoots you a smile, you know the Brooklyn Calling Star Pocket Tee is workin' its magic! With its stellar print and stylish chest pocket, this shirt has all the ladies swooning. Pair it with dark-wash jeans to turn up the charm!

Admittedly, it’s been a while since my day was divided into periods, but I really don’t remember a chest pocket being a component in making a lady—let alone all the ladies—swoon.

Description: Go into the big exam knowing you're too legit to quit, and tackle those tough questions in this Brooklyn Calling Striped Colorblock Pocket Tee! The bold, high-contrast style gives you a super-smart look, so put on your flat-brimmed thinking cap, then finish the essay while you're in beast mode.

So, I’m going to go into the big exam like MC Hammer in 1991? Does that mean I’m going to fail? And what does finishing an essay while in beast mode entail—do I use the active voice instead of the passive voice or something?

Description: If your idea of a great staycation includes comfy style and tons of video games, throw on our Aero NY Skinny Sweatpants and grab that controller! These fleecy bottoms feature a super-soft construction, hand pockets and a stretchy ribbed waist; Aero appliqués and "NY 1987" embroidery add a classic signature touch.

I really like how Aéropostale found a positive way of saying, “If all you’re going to do is be a lazy fucker in front of the TV, wear sweatpants, you big life-waster.” Jake the Dog was right.

Description: Whether you're stuck in Lametown, cruising NYC, or kickin' it in LA, our Aero Banner Logo Pullover Hoodie cuts a super-trendy look for any place in the USA! It's decked out with blocky "Aero NY-87" text and features a fleecy feel and classic kangaroo pocket.

Aéropostale: clothing for teens who hate their dumb lame town and I hate you all and none of you get me and I can’t wait until I’m 18 so I can finally get the hell out of this place.

Description: Dude, it's okay to admit when cold temps make ya shiver, but you won't ever need to when you layer up with this toasty Brooklyn Calling Long Sleeve Colorblocked Thermal Tee! Waffle-knit fabric ensures warmth, so your GF will never find out how fast you succumb to chilly air; colorblocked raglan sleeves add way-cool casual style, too.

Let’s ignore the contradictory message of “It’s okay to say you’re cold, but buy this shirt so that no one knows you’re cold” and instead focus on how brazenly manipulative this product description is—it’s a stone’s throw away from just outright saying, Buy this shirt so that your girlfriend won’t know you’re a total pussy, bro!

Description: The cosmopolitan cutie concealed on this Free State City Girl Graphic T has traveled the world lookin' for love, but you'd be the only guy to catch her eye! It features the names of some awesome urban locales; pair this tee with crisp chinos and get ready to give those smiling ladies your digits.

This T-shirt is called “City Girl,” and the description says that it “features the names of some awesome urban locales.” Serious question: Does Aéropostale think Denmark is a city?

Description: When you accept first prize for the best-decorated pumpkin in the patch, make sure you're rockin' our Solid Lace Crop Tank! You'll make a memorable impression thanks to its classic solid shade, cool lace detailing, and cute keyhole-closure back.

“Best-decorated pumpkin in the patch” isn’t a euphemism, right?

Description: Toss on this Locker Stock Xmas Games Graphic T, then polish those pong skills during all the crazy festivities! It's designed with colorful plastic cups stacked to form a Christmas tree. Don't forget to take a break and toast to your fun-lovin' bros!

This is the one that made me feel completely ancient. “Xmas games” and “pong skills” are Aéropostale’s way of studiously avoiding referencing alcohol—because, again, their target demographic is young folks between the ages of 14 and 17. In other words, I’m shopping for clothes at a store that will feature a shirt with a ping-pong ball and Solo cups but has deemed it inappropriate to actually say the words “beer pong.” Even American Eagle—for which I’m also too old—has no qualms about a Christmas-themed booze reference. (On the other hand, they also have no qualms about having Santa with a candy-striped phallus, so, yeah.)

Bah. I’m too old for this shit. I’ll be at Banana Republic.