Showing posts with label observations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label observations. Show all posts

Friday, February 6, 2015

Well, I guess I own pizza underwear now

Look what arrived in the mail today, just in time for Valentine’s Day!

On a completely unrelated note, is there a way to make my credit card company text me a riddle or something that I would have to solve before they authorize any purchases made between 2 AM and 4 AM just to make sure that I’m actually fully awake and capable of making sound sartorial decisions? I’m asking for a friend.

* * *

Actually, what fascinates me most about my new pizza underwear is this warning label.

"Not intended for children 14 years of age or younger. Non nestiné aux enfants de 12 ans ou moins."

I don’t know what’s more confusing: the fact that this underwear has a minimum age requirement for some reason, or that the age requirement inexplicably drops by two years if you happen to speak French.

(They probably meant to write “non destinĂ©,” not “non nestinĂ©.”)

* * *

I am, of course, joking when I say that my new pizza underwear arrived just in time for Valentine’s Day, because I’m afraid I am once again single and bitter and going to shame-eat a lot of hamburgers this Feb. 14.

But I’m thinking, what if I happen to be wearing my pizza ‘pants on a date that goes particularly well? Ideally, I’d be with someone who shares my enthusiasm for pizza-themed undergarments, and the night will go splendidly.

It’s just as plausible, though, that my ridiculous underwear could put the brakes on the evening. I’m not sure what I could say to make things better, but, as is usually the case, I certainly know what I could say to make things worse. Here are five, in descending order:

5. You know what they say—even when it’s bad, it’s good.

4. Look, it may start off as a Totino, but I swear it becomes a DiGiorno once it’s heated up.
3. “Thirty minutes or less”? I’ll come in half that time, guaranteed.

2. I know you drove all the way out here, but I can’t promise a big tip.

1. You might want to dab it with a napkin first.

Before you judge me, I would like to point out my restraint by neither going for any sausage or pepperoni double entendres nor making any references to “Papa John’s” sounding vaguely phallic. And I didn’t even mention the fact that Pizza Hut kind of rhymes with “piece of butt” if you slur it.

On second thought, judge me; I guess I deserve it.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Can I declare “jackass bankruptcy”?

Instead of having to constantly apologize to all the people to whom I’ve been a thoughtless jerk, can I just declare “jackass bankruptcy”?

Like, can I just make it known that I’ve probably been a jackass to a bunch of people and I’m sorry and it’ll just save us all a lot of time if we just started over with everybody?

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

This Forever 21 model really hates his Cloud-Sleeve Bomber Jacket

While I’m still on the “make fun of teen clothing retailers” beat: this guy really does not look happy about modeling Forever 21’s “Cloud-Sleeve Bomber Jacket” (I’ve archived the page here, in case cumulonimbus coats become a thing and Forever 21 sells out of them):

I know that models usually shoot for an aloof, mildly disdainful look because stupid people find cold indifference alluring1, but this goes way beyond that. You can see the resignation in his eyes when he realizes that, oh God, people are going to see me with cloud arms and there’s nothing I can do about it.

From another angle, you can see strife all over his face as he reassesses the entirety of his life decisions.

And finally, you see him wondering if it’s too late for him to finish up his HVAC certificate.

(It’s not, and it’s important, honest work.)

Although I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want a cloud jacket now. If anybody wants to make that happen, my email address is But no pressure.

1Needless to say, I am a stupid person who needs to get better taste in girls2.
2Not like that. You’re gross, dude.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Siri is just being a smartass, isn’t she?

"What were the electoral college results of the 2004 presidential election" "Sorry, Joe, my knowledge of sports history is limited."

Chili's and Applebee's prix fixe menus

I think that it's a bummer that when Chili's was planning its "$20 Dinner for 2" deal and Applebee's was doing the same with its "2 for $20 Menu," someone must have suggested calling it a prix fixe menu, and somebody else in marketing was probably all, "Nah, Americans will think that's too foreign."

C'mon, guys. We may be shoving Chocolate Peanut Butter Molten Cakes down our throats, but give us a little credit here.

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Staples is impressively dickish when it comes to packing slips!

Staples is pretty impressive when it comes to packing slip dickishness. Check out this question from an ordering FAQ in Staples's help section.

Can I send an order to someone as a gift and make sure the price doesn't show up on the packing slip? 
At this time, we are not able to accommodate requests to change the packing slips that are sent with orders. The packing slip will list the items, quantity and price paid. 
If you'd prefer to send an order without a packing slip, you can have your order delivered to yourself. Then you can bring it to one of our stores and take advantage of our full line of reasonably priced packing and shipping services to have it delivered to the recipient.

It's not just that Staples is inexplicably unable to accommodate a relatively simple request like, "Hey, please don't put a packing slip in the box."

It's not just that Staples can't even be bothered to throw in an "Unfortunately" or an "We're sorry for the inconvenience" when they explain that they don't have a "Check this box if this order is a gift" feature that plenty of other retailers figured out how to implement in, like, 1998.

It's that they do those things, and then proceed to suggest a "solution" that involves giving Staples more money. They took a glaring deficiency in their online ordering system as an opportunity to upsell. It's like going to the grocery store, asking for a plastic bag, and being told "At this time, we are not able to accommodate plastic bag requests -- but feel free to buy one of our eco-friendly green totes for $14.95."

That's not just dickish. That's breathtakingly, audaciously dickish, and I can't help but be a little impressed.

* * *

Okay, fine. Let's say, for whatever reason, Staples's ordering system really is incapable of indicating when to exclude packing slips. And the best solution Staples can come up with really is having the customer ship their gift to themselves, drive down to Staples, and then forward the package at additional cost to their recipient.

Why not offer an olive branch, like, "We know this is inconvenient, so if you do decide to do this, bring in your packing slip, and we'll give you a 25 percent discount off the shipping costs as our way of saying sorry"?

I mean, seriously, Staples. You do know that is a click away, right?

* * *

Full disclosure: I actually don't really care about packing slips. In fact, I don't get what the big deal is about people knowing the price of your gifts -- oh, what, you don't want your Adventure Time giant wall decal now that you know it was only $25.99?

And also, Staples is offering "onsite assembly" for your Adventure Time giant wall decal for $80? I take it back; now that's impressive.

Saturday, December 6, 2014

I hope you have a nice day

I have a pet theory that says we should all say “I hope you have a nice day” instead of “Have a nice day.”

“Have a nice day,” as many people have pointed out, has become kind of useless—a stock phrase that’s automatically uttered at the end of a phone conversation or a retail transaction that means nothing to the speaker or the listener. “Have a nice day” is just translated as “this is the end of our interaction.”

That kind of sucks—I think the idea of verbalizing a desire for someone’s day to go well is charming. And like asking “How are you?,” I think there’s value in what others might dismiss as conversational lubricant; by asking (for instance) your barista how she’s doing, it’s basically a shorthand for, “I know that it’s easy to forget that the people around me aren’t just characters in my story but rather human beings with their own lives that are as real as my own, and especially in customer service situations, there’s a tendency to reduce people to, say, ‘human who’s making my coffee’ instead of the complete, vibrant people that they are, so even though it’s probably impractical and undesirable to go into the ins and outs of how your life is going, I want to ask you the question just to acknowledge the fact that you do, in fact, have a life beyond our interaction and I respect that.”

“Have a nice day” is supposed to serve the same purpose—an acknowledgement that you understand that they’re going to have a day beyond their interaction with you—but through sheer repetition and the customer-service-ization of the phrase, it’s no longer really effective.

It has a simple fix, and that fix is “I hope you have a nice day.” It’s an atypical phrasing, so it forces the speaker and the listener to actually notice the words being said. It turns a command that can be kind of pushy and presumptuous (because, hey, maybe I don’t want to have a nice day today—you don’t know what’s going on in my life) into a humble little well wishing. And it’s a much more sincere sentiment; it’s a lovely kindness to hope for something good for someone else.

As a part of my ongoing project of leaving little Post-it notes in library books, I’m testing my theory out. (At the very least, it’s probably nicer than the note I left in Paper Towns saying that I hate John Green’s face. Don’t get me wrong; I’m sure he’s a nice guy. But I swear the man has a face of a dude who corrects your grammar at parties, and seriously, screw that guy.)

Attempt #1: "I hope your day goes well today."
I added a heart, just in case the message seemed to cold. But then it kind of looks like I'm being all flirty, so I specified that it was a "platonic heart." Just so no one gets the wrong idea.

Attempt #2: "Hey, I hope you have a good day today."
To make it even friendlier, I drew a cat. But then it doesn't really look like a cat. So then I clarified that it's "supposed to be cat." Which somehow makes it look less like a cat. Eh, whatever.

Attempt #3: "I hope you have an interesting day today! Unless you're in the mood for a boring day. Basically, I hope you have the sort of day that makes you happy."
tl;dr: You do you, buddy.
But no, seriously. I hate John Green's face.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Dear Tombstone Pizza

Dear Tombstone Pizza,

I know you mean well and all, but if I have had the sort of day in which cramming a frozen pizza down my gullet seems like a reasonable nutritional choice, it is highly unlikely that a salad will be a part of my culinary experience.



P.S.: "1/4 = 1 SERVING"? That's cute.

Thursday, August 28, 2014