Shopping at any teen-oriented mall clothing retailer is usually enough to make me feel impossibly old—music that’s unfamiliar and therefore annoying, pictures of models who aren’t old enough to buy beer in Canada, and fellow shoppers who are trying to gauge whether I’m a creepy dude trolling for barely-18s or if I’m a vaguely out-of-touch uncle searching for a nephew’s birthday gift who still thinks Hollister is totes rad. (Joke’s on you, kids—the correct answer is “I am in ‘overwrought quarter-life crisis’ mode and am dealing with being closer to 30 than 20 by dressing like a 16-year-old in 2005.”)
But there’s no retail experience that makes me more acutely aware of my senescence than shopping on Aéropostale’s website. Aéropostale is definitely not for me—they’re “principally targeting 14 to 17-year-old young women and men”—and they make that clear with some amazing product descriptions for each and every one of the products they sell.
As far as I can tell, Aéropostale is headquartered in the town of Riverdale, and everybody’s biggest concerns are running “a smooth campaign for class prez” or making “that first impression count when meeting your GF’s dad.” (Incidentally, Aéropostale’s Long Sleeve Textured Woven Shirt and Multi-stripe Crew Neck Sweater, respectively, can help with each.) Indeed, the product descriptions are simultaneously ridiculous and weirdly poignant—at least for me, each of my eye rolls are accompanied by a pang of nostalgia for the days when my biggest worries were minor enough to be solved with the purchase of affordably-priced apparel.
In any case, let’s marvel at some of these product descriptions that somebody was inexplicably given actual, spendable money to write.
Description: When that girl from first period gets flirty and a sweetie from second shoots you a smile, you know the Brooklyn Calling Star Pocket Tee is workin' its magic! With its stellar print and stylish chest pocket, this shirt has all the ladies swooning. Pair it with dark-wash jeans to turn up the charm!
Admittedly, it’s been a while since my day was divided into periods, but I really don’t remember a chest pocket being a component in making a lady—let alone all the ladies—swoon.
Description: Go into the big exam knowing you're too legit to quit, and tackle those tough questions in this Brooklyn Calling Striped Colorblock Pocket Tee! The bold, high-contrast style gives you a super-smart look, so put on your flat-brimmed thinking cap, then finish the essay while you're in beast mode.
So, I’m going to go into the big exam like MC Hammer in 1991? Does that mean I’m going to fail? And what does finishing an essay while in beast mode entail—do I use the active voice instead of the passive voice or something?
Description: If your idea of a great staycation includes comfy style and tons of video games, throw on our Aero NY Skinny Sweatpants and grab that controller! These fleecy bottoms feature a super-soft construction, hand pockets and a stretchy ribbed waist; Aero appliqués and "NY 1987" embroidery add a classic signature touch.
I really like how Aéropostale found a positive way of saying, “If all you’re going to do is be a lazy fucker in front of the TV, wear sweatpants, you big life-waster.” Jake the Dog was right.
Description: Whether you're stuck in Lametown, cruising NYC, or kickin' it in LA, our Aero Banner Logo Pullover Hoodie cuts a super-trendy look for any place in the USA! It's decked out with blocky "Aero NY-87" text and features a fleecy feel and classic kangaroo pocket.
Aéropostale: clothing for teens who hate their dumb lame town and I hate you all and none of you get me and I can’t wait until I’m 18 so I can finally get the hell out of this place.
Description: Dude, it's okay to admit when cold temps make ya shiver, but you won't ever need to when you layer up with this toasty Brooklyn Calling Long Sleeve Colorblocked Thermal Tee! Waffle-knit fabric ensures warmth, so your GF will never find out how fast you succumb to chilly air; colorblocked raglan sleeves add way-cool casual style, too.
Let’s ignore the contradictory message of “It’s okay to say you’re cold, but buy this shirt so that no one knows you’re cold” and instead focus on how brazenly manipulative this product description is—it’s a stone’s throw away from just outright saying, Buy this shirt so that your girlfriend won’t know you’re a total pussy, bro!
Description: The cosmopolitan cutie concealed on this Free State City Girl Graphic T has traveled the world lookin' for love, but you'd be the only guy to catch her eye! It features the names of some awesome urban locales; pair this tee with crisp chinos and get ready to give those smiling ladies your digits.
This T-shirt is called “City Girl,” and the description says that it “features the names of some awesome urban locales.” Serious question: Does Aéropostale think Denmark is a city?
Description: When you accept first prize for the best-decorated pumpkin in the patch, make sure you're rockin' our Solid Lace Crop Tank! You'll make a memorable impression thanks to its classic solid shade, cool lace detailing, and cute keyhole-closure back.
“Best-decorated pumpkin in the patch” isn’t a euphemism, right?
Description: Toss on this Locker Stock Xmas Games Graphic T, then polish those pong skills during all the crazy festivities! It's designed with colorful plastic cups stacked to form a Christmas tree. Don't forget to take a break and toast to your fun-lovin' bros!
This is the one that made me feel completely ancient. “Xmas games” and “pong skills” are Aéropostale’s way of studiously avoiding referencing alcohol—because, again, their target demographic is young folks between the ages of 14 and 17. In other words, I’m shopping for clothes at a store that will feature a shirt with a ping-pong ball and Solo cups but has deemed it inappropriate to actually say the words “beer pong.” Even American Eagle—for which I’m also too old—has no qualms about a Christmas-themed booze reference. (On the other hand, they also have no qualms about having Santa with a candy-striped phallus, so, yeah.)